I am slowly collecting jokes as I come across them:
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a
visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently
installed Windows on my PC, I told him how happy I was with
this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. Too my
astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven
and turned it on. I was upset because the CD had become
precious to me, but he said 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.'
After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said
'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite
cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than
before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner
edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer
than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone
piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:
4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F53
20746F2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67
207468656D20616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062
696E64207468656D
'I cannot read the fiery letters,' I said.
'No,' he said, 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient
mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not
utter here. But in common English this is what it says"
'One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them...."
August 24th: Day of Ruin * MT. Vesuvius Destroys Pompeii, 79 AD * Fall of Rome, 410 AD * British Burn D.C., 1812 * Windows 95 Released, 1995 [Borrowed with permission from the Looney Labs' Calendar Event of the Week page (http://www.looneylabs.com/theday.html)]
- this appeared in rec.humor.funny so I stole it.
"I'd say the probability of Windows containing a backdoor is about the same a spreadsheet containing a flight simulator." -- Phil Hunt
- stolen from a usenet .signature. It is an ironic statement about MS Windows security, since it is known that there actually is a simple flight simulator hidden in MS Excel.
From: laird@cs.byu.edu (Mark J Laird)
How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it, one to rewire the socket so that Netscape light bulbs won't work in it, one to rewrite Sun's light bulbs into something unrecognizable (and non-functional), and one to convince the justice department that all Microsoft light bulbs are conforming to anti-trust laws.
Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations
REDMOND, Wash. -- Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, Microsoft Corporation announced today it will be acquiring the Federal Government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our growth," said Microsoft chairman and CEO Bill Gates. "It's a positive arrangement for everyone."
Microsoft representatives held a briefing at the Oval Office with US President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes to US Government policy will be "minimal." The United States will be managed as a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corp. An initial public offering is planned for July 4 of next year, and the Federal Government is expected to be profitable by 1999, according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, President Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as vice president of USA Operations with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Microsoft chairman and CEO Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief." He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record," and that US citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence."
In his new role at Microsoft, Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he currently earns as US president. Gates dismissed a rumor that the US Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly," though he did say he would make executive decisions for the US government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters.
Gates did say, however, that the US House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy," Gates said, "yet look how well we're doing." When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates would only say that Microsoft doesn't comment on unannounced products.
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services, discounts on all Microsoft products, and the immediate arrest of all executive officials of Sun Microsystems Inc. and Netscape Corp.
About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in
software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company
offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and
personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more
enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal
computing and mostly free society every day.
About the United States
Founded in 1776, the United States of America is the most successful nation
in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and
opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, DC, the United
States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
"The United States of America" and "Microsoft" are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.
Dear Abby -
I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Army, and I have a second cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi hate literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known street walkers.
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But -- I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a chance to meet them.
In your opinion, Abby: Should I -- or shouldn't I -- let her know about my second cousin who works for Microsoft?
Regards,
Troubled?
[Another one from our internal joke list.]
Gary.Foster@Corp.Sun.COM (Gary D. Foster)
LUKE: Obi-Wan! You told me that the Macintosh was a dead platform.
BEN: Macintosh was seduced by the dark side. It ceased to truly be Apple and became an aspect of Microsoft. When that happened, the good system which was the Macintosh was destroyed. So what I have told you was true... from a certain point of view.
LUKE: A certain point of view!
BEN: Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.
LUKE: There's still good in the Macintosh.
BEN: I also thought it could be turned back to the good side. It couldn't be done. It is more machine now than interface. Twisted and evil.
LUKE: I can't abandon the Macintosh platform.
BEN: Then Bill has already won. You were our only hope.
Windows 95: n.
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an
8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor,
written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
I just stole this from rec.humor.funny, where it came from somewhere else - see the note for attribution:
A Long time Ago, in a Galaxy far, far away...
Luke: "You used to program."
Ben: "I was once a software engineer the same as your father."
Luke: "My father wasn't a software engineer. He was a custodian at
Lockheed-Martin."
Ben: "That's what your Uncle told you. He didn't hold with your
father's ideals. He thought he should go to work. Not gotten
a degree."
Luke: "I wish I had known him."
Ben: "He was a cunning object-oriented analyst, and the best systems
programmer in the galaxy. I understand you've become quite a
good hacker yourself. And he was a good friend. For over ten
years the systems programmers created user interfaces. Before
the dark times. Before Microsoft."
Luke: "How did my father die?"
Ben: "A young systems programmer named Bill Gates, who was a student
until his mommy kicked him out of her basement, founded
Microsoft and helped destroy the intuitive user interface. He
betrayed and murdered the Macintosh. Gates was seduced by the
Dark Side of Money."
Luke: "Money?"
Ben: "Yes, Money is what gives a programmer his resources. It's an
exchange system created by human beings. It surrounds us.
Works for us. Binds the economy together. Which reminds me. Your
father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but
your Uncle wouldn't allow it. He thought you'd follow old Obi-Wan
on some damn idealistic crusade."
Luke: "What is it?"
Ben: "It's an object modeling tool. The weapon of a systems
programmer. Not as random or clumsy as a lexical parser. An elegant
compiler for a more civilized age."
[Note - originally appeared titled "Object-Oriented Jedi" on "Funny Town", a
humor publication at http://www.funnytown.com. My thanks to them
for granting reprint permission - ed.]
ROSWELL, N.M. (AP) -- Today, the United States Air Force issued a long-awaited report about the "Roswell Incident" in which some people claim that software from Microsoft functioned correctly in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947. As expected, the government's 261-page report denied that there had ever been any evidence that this had ever happened, despite eyewitness reports to the contrary. The report claims that what witnesses actually saw was an experimental Macintosh running a variation of Unix, or perhaps an experimental Unix machine using a form of the MacOS.
Although the official Air Force position is that this is their final report on the matter, long-time Microsoft devotees are not satisfied. "We know it really happened," said Gil Bates, spokesman for a group of Microsoft enthusiasts who call themselves "The .exe-files". The group's claim of having seen Windows run without crashing is tainted by the revelation earlier this year that some members had falsified evidence by doctoring output from standard Unix utilities and passing it off as authentic Windows data files.
Q. How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, Microsoft redefines the standard to be darkness.
God was fed up. In a crash of thunder he yanked up to Heaven three influential humans: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates. "The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world." With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.
Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a god. The bad news is, God's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."
In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong: there is a god after all. The worse news is God's mad and is going to end the world in a week."
Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better news is we don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 95."
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